In the driver's seat

Psychos! That’s what they are. I am talking about the KSTRC bus-drivers. Sorry, people of Karnataka, u might want to call those from your part of the world something else, I give you the choice, but K is for Kerala, and psychos is what I choose to call them, with dignity. And without it, they get it everyday, from other road-users, enough to go home and sleep peacefully with.

Well there was a time when I admired these guys. That was about when I was learning the trickeries of manipulating 5 tonnes of iron in four wheels with the help of a slender wheel and a couple of paddles that looked like slipper soles. Oh yeah, I forgot, and there was this thing sticking out of the steering column, called the gear lever. This was exactly the problem, I kept forgetting it till I was done with pretty much everything else, and remembered only when the car would start rocking like hell or the instructor did, along with my ear in his clasp. Whichever happened first, the latter would happen, invariably. And by the time I was able to find my way through all those noisy, rickety-rackety, unyielding set of gear teeth, the car would have found its own way to a place of its own choice! Boy, it was hell. That was when I learned to appreciate good driving. And the bus-drivers, with more than 60 lives and 60 odd thousand loose nuts and bolts at their disposal, were the gods. And thus, I developed this habit of sitting near the driver whenever possible, and observing them. Also, I liked the view. O don’t get me wrong, talking about the KSTRC, so the ladies are at the back.

As I have found out over the years, there are several types in this species. Some of then are just too fussy. They’d hop in with a wide grin, and try to make conversations with you. Even try to gossip with you about the bus-conductor. And there are even bigger idiots, who fall for this and strike up conversations with the drivers. Maybe it makes them feel important. You know, sitting near the helm and talking to the bus-driver, yeah, pretty damn life-threatening important, birdbrain.

And then there are these animated characters, they make all kinds of faces, blow their noses, blink their eyes like they’ve lost sight suddenly, and they mimic the movements of the vehicle. That is, if they have to steer left, their whole body would sway to the left, as if they are steering one of those high-speed levitating things from starwars. And sometimes they become targets of this unexplainable, unfathomable cosmic interventions, and take a sudden fancy with this approaching car, so much that they cant take their eyes off it, and keep watching it even after its gone, poking their heads out of the window!!

The next type is the stoic one. The unflinching, tight-jawed, get-out-of-my-way types. These guys will be wearing dark aviator glasses, mostly. No wonder, coz they must be thinking they’re flying fighter planes, and it’s pretty apparent, too. Once I was in this superfast and was awaken from deep slumber by this huge thud, and a jolt and the bus swaying to one side. I thought I’ve had it. I tried to memorize all the best moments of my life like Kevin Spacey did in “American Beauty”. But nothing came. Then I poked my head out and looked what was wrong. The bus had gone over a divider and cleaned up almost half of it. Our driver stepped down, tapped at the tires, tore off the sagging sheet metal, got in, cleaned his goggles, and drove off, like nothing happened. With half of the bus’s side bodywork gone! And you thought Clint Eastwood was cool!

That’s just a small part of it. And there are several other types. And whichever type they fall into, one thing is for sure, they’re absolute terror for other road users. On second thoughts, not just the road users. Cant remember how many times I have seen buses having slammed into roadside houses, shops, waiting sheds etc. The entire scene has a Hollywood-ish effect to it, doesn’t it? Imagine, an old guy, sipping tea , and reading the morning newspaper in his verandah, vividh-bharti playing in the background, everything is so peaceful, and suddenly, there is this deafening noise, and he sees this huge thing coming crashing towards him at 100 Kmph…. Even better than Hollywood!!

Well, everything is not as bleak as the picture I paint, there is a beacon of hope. There is the KSTRC Volvo crew, which is exactly what the rest of the KSRTC is not. Yesterday, there was a dad and a small boy sitting in my next seat, the boy in his lap. And when the bus reached an intermediate station, the conductor came and told him, “Sir, two seats have been vacated in the front, you and your boy can come and sit there”. The compassion brought tears to my eyes!